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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off