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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.