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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake