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"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
The word bed looks like a bed.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?