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Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I want it all and I want it delivered.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.