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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.