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I put the o in illiterate!
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
For those who do not know what ADHD can do to a person, let me expla.....oooh look i got a text message.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?