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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.