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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
is "insert clever remark here."
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.