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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
We think therefore we must be, but are we?