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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.