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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.