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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
never be afraid to wipe twice
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.