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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore