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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.