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I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.