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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.