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This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Asking me if Iām hungry, is like asking me if I like money.