Daily Silly Status

Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.

Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.

I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.

I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.

"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.

I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?

I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.

There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from

My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.

Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.

The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.

I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.