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If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.