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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.