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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.