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I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.