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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.