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Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”