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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.