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I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?