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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.