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During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food