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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.