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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!