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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.