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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!