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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.