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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.