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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
This recliner and I go way back.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.