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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?