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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.