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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.