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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.