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A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..