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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.