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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.