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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...