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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
High-five a veteran today.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.