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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.