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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.