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Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.