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someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.