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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"