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After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.