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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point