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Before the internet I used to like people.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Don`t believe everything you think.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?