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Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her