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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
pudding... thats always a funny word
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?