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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
That`s not how I met your mother.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.